It's a Family Affair
What to do when both you and your ex are invited to a celebration.
By John Gray, Ph.D.

As your children grow older, there will be landmark days and celebrations -- such as college graduation, weddings, the birth of a grandchild -- that both you and your ex would love to attend. If your children are in a committed relationship, you may have to share or alternate holidays with their partners' extended families as well.

Gee, wouldn't it be nice if the holidays and celebrations brought everyone back together again under one roof -- even if it were only for one day?

By now, your children are quite aware that you are no longer a couple, and they have emotionally adapted to most of the changes that have taken place because of this life path change. But this doesn't make things easier during the holidays.

While they love visiting with you individually, they would probably welcome the opportunity to get the people they love most together in one room. Also, they would probably appreciate the opportunity to eliminate any hurt feelings that are incurred when they choose to celebrate with one parent as opposed to the other.

Many divorced people have adopted what I consider to be an admirable attitude that ensures a more-or-less stress-free holiday: They open their hearts and their homes to spending the holidays and special occasions with their children and their exes.

Of course, special days by their nature bring up feelings of loss and regret, and it's not always easy to put aside the issues that stood between you and your ex in the first place. However, if you're willing to give it a try, here are some tips that may get you through the "holidaze":

Tip #1: Remember why you are there: to share good cheer with those who love you.
That should be the only reason for walking into that room. Of course, in large gatherings, there are always people who have disappointed us, or with whom we may have had problems in the past. In this case, that person is probably your ex. If you are able to enter that room with an open mind, however, you may find that his/her attitude toward you has opened up as well.

Tip #2: Be open and friendly to all guests present, including your ex.
Be on your best behavior and spread good cheer to everyone. By doing so, you immediately dissolve any tension that others may be feeling. They are waiting to see how you react, so by being the perfect guest, you immediately put everyone else at ease.

Tip #3: Don't bring the past into the present.
Whatever may have happened between you and your ex, now is not the time to bring it up. Instead, concentrate on creating a great day for your children: the things you do and say on this day should generate a wonderful memory for them to savor in the future.

Tip #4: Don't buy into your ex's bad mood.
If your ex's actions are upsetting, don't rise to any emotional bait he/she may put out specifically for you. Instead, feel free to leave the room. If he/she puts you on the spot, ask him/her to join you for a discussion of any unresolved issues on some other day. By holding yourself above the fray, you can still enjoy your holiday, and your family will understand and appreciate your ability to turn the other cheek.

Tuesday, May 15
at 8 pm to 8:30 EST
Out With the Tragedy: Turning Divorce into a meaningful experience
with Allison Pescosolido and Andra Brosh, founders of Divorce Detox
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