Compatibility Quotient
Increase your odds of success when selecting a partner.

By John Gray, Ph.D.

The newest love of your life is attractive and attentive now, but because of your past experiences, you're suddenly riddled with doubts. Will it last? The last thing you want is to get involved with someone who doesn't live up to your expectations, or someone who expects more -- or less -- than you want to give at this time.

In other words, how compatible is your new partner (or potential partner) with you? That depends on several factors. For example, any unresolved feelings of hurt or guilt can act as blinders and keep you from recognizing all the wonderful traits that make this person right for you.

Also, fear of intimacy can block your recognition of a potential partner. If you're scared to get close -- either emotionally or physically -- you might start searching for reasons to "prove" why the relationship won't work.

And finally, if you're rebounding from a broken relationship, you might question whether or not your feelings are legitimate. Why? Because you're still in "comparison mode" ("Oh-oh -- my ex used to do that, too!" or "Didn't my ex say exactly the same thing?") as opposed to "compatibility mode."

How do you move from comparison to compatibility mode? By being in the right frame of mind.

For those readers who aren't yet dating, this means opening your hearts again so that you can date with open arms. For those readers who are already dating but haven't made the quantum leap towards commitment, that next step will involve the removal of any and all emotional blocks that are holding you back. Otherwise, you won't ever find anyone who will suit you.

The right person might be right under your nose, but if you're too afraid of commitment, you'll never recognize them.

You can increase your compatibility quotient by learning these points:

Point #1: Before you get out into the dating world, work on the issues that will hold you back.
Sometimes, we rush the process of looking for love again because we're afraid of being alone. Unfortunately, that's when we're most likely to make the same relationship mistakes again. Why? Because we haven't taken the time to analyze what went wrong in the first place. Before jumping back into the dating pond, learn how to swim.

Point #2: Be prepared to have a less-than-perfect relationship.
Sorry, your soulmate won't be perfect. Quirks, bad habits, and idiosyncrasies are things we all have, so be ready to bend a little on the issues that aren't really important.

Point #3: Sometimes opposites attract -- and that's okay.
By widening your circle of friends, you also widen the number of dating -- or soul mate -- prospects. So don't be afraid to look outside of your usual social circle for compatibility.

Point #4: Be friends before you become lovers. Passion ebbs and flows, but friendship can last forever.
If you find yourself becoming attracted to a close friend, go ahead and test that attraction. You may find out that your friend reciprocates these feelings. Conversely, if you feel an attraction to someone, but you don't like the way they treat their friends, take it as a sign that the relationship might not stay fair and square in the long run.

Point #5: If things aren't working out, have the guts to walk away.
When we don't want to feel that we have another failure in our lives, we sometimes try too hard to make a losing relationship succeed. Knowing when something is wrong is just as important as recognizing when it's right. You don't need to double down on your mistakes. Have the courage to leave if the relationship is not the right one for you.

Tuesday, May 15
at 8 pm to 8:30 EST
Out With the Tragedy: Turning Divorce into a meaningful experience
with Allison Pescosolido and Andra Brosh, founders of Divorce Detox
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