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Follow these Instructions...

Note from the Editor: My friends often e-mail peculiar and/or funny items to me. I'd like to share a compilation of what three of my e-mail buddies claim are the real deal: actual label instructions/warnings on consumer goods. These labels appear to provide proof-positive that the human race is doomed by its own stupidity...

1. On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to style my hair.)

2. On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(Evidently, the shoplifter special.)

3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how. . . ?)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's just a suggestion.)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Oops, too late! You lose!)

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save time?)

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts. And who are they to tell me what to do with my kids anyway?!)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope...)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

11. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious about this "other use".)

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: Contains nuts."
(NEWS FLASH: Peanuts contain nuts!)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Chose another airline next time.)

14. On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

15. On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(What kind of distraught consumer phonecall led to this warning?!)

16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:
"Do not use on food."
("Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup!" "It's OK honey: just grab the Palmolive!")

17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste:
"If swallowed contact poison control."
(Have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)

18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:
"Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."
(Hey -- no more swimming in the washing machine, kids!)

19. On a blanket from Taiwan:
"Not to be used as protection from a tornado."

20. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:
"Remember, Object in the mirror are actually behind you."
(And were sharing the road with these guys?)

21. On a Taiwanese shampoo:
"Use repeatedly for severe damage."
(Use just once a month for minor damage)

22. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink:
"After opening, keep upright."
(But how can I spill it all over my clothes if I keep it upright?)

23. On a New Zealand insect spray:
"This product not tested on animals."
(I should hope not!)

24. In a US guide to setting up a new computer:
"To avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening."
(Sensible advice, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

25. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
"Open other end."

26. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins:
"Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?"
(I just don't like to vomit on food before I eat it -- that's why not)

27. On a Korean kitchen knife:
"WARNING: Keep out of children."
(Again: who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

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