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Back into the Fray
By Michael Beninger
I was recently filling out some form that asked me about my "marital status," and it got me to thinking, which is something I like to do more than actually working. Marital status. It seems a rather strange term. I can't recall where being married ever got me any status, per se. Some good times, some gray hairs, but never any status.
Now when you get divorced, I suppose your "status" goes from married to divorced. This makes some sense, but for how long? At some point, don't you just turn back into single? I mean, what if ten years has gone by since the big split. Are you divorced, or single? What if you were divorced, then re-married, then were widowed, and then ten years had passed? What the heck are you then, other than unlucky? Think about this, or you may lose all that status.
It can't be much fun to be "single" these days. So much has changed. Back when I was young and single, my mind was often on the opposite sex. Okay, so some things haven't changed. But today, sex can literally kill you. Back then, it was her father who would.
Recently a single fellow I know brought up the subject of dating, and where one could take a first date these days. He is a single father, so he's not exactly rolling in money (I see heads nodding). The date couldn't cost and arm and a leg, as his ex-wife had taken those in the settlement.
Always ready to help in the cause of love (or lust), I immediately decided to give the chap the benefit of my creative powers, as I was unwilling to give him any money.
It was more difficult than I thought it would be to come up with a workable first-date plan for him. The options are somewhat limited. Take the old standard, the movies.
First of all, there's the price of admission. Going to the movies is no longer inexpensive. I know they have to give Jim Carrey a gazillion dollars a flick, but I didn't realize they wanted it to all come directly out of my pocket. And what sort of slug wouldn't spring for popcorn and drink. Do you want her to think your a cheapo, or worse, insensitive? So the kid behind the counter passes you a medium-sized garbage pail full of popcorn and a small drink. Did I say small? Yes, just the four-liter size. You drink this sucker and she's going to think you have bladder-control problems.
Plus, what if it's a steamy movie? She'll suspect you're some sort of pervert. If the film has any scenes showing brutality to women, you're going to get that look that says all men are pond scum. And you can't talk during the movie, so how do you know if you're with an airhead? How does she? Nope, forget the movie idea.
How about a nice, long walk? Women like to walk. You can tell by reading those personal ads. They all like long walks and sitting by a cozy fire. You never see an ad for a lady who likes to dine out on lobster.
On a walk, you can talk, it's very inexpensive (unless you walk by a guy selling flowers), and it's healthy. The only potential problem is the weather, particularly if it's very cold outside. It's hard to impress your date with your suave and debonair manner while you're shivering profusely and stuff is starting to come out of your nose.
The best I could come up with was brunch. This is a good idea for a number of reasons. For starters, you can go to brunch without taking out a second mortgage. I suggested going relatively early, say around 11 a.m. That way, if she belts back five or six Black Russians, you know she either has a drinking problem or she just gets a big kick out of spending someone else's money. The former can be cured, but the latter is hopeless, and it's best to find out about these things right away.
If things are going swimmingly, you have all day to get to know each other better. If it's heading down the crapper, you just pretend to choke on the French toast, and ask her to call 911.
Michael Beninger is a freelance writer living in Victoria, B.C. He has had two wives and one divorce.
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