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Stacy Phillips, a Certified Family Law Specialist and author, helps us mark our tenth anniversary with this collection of divorce-related lists. Some are lighthearted, some are serious, but all are guaranteed to get you thinking! You’ll also have a chance to make up your own Top Ten lists.

by Stacy D. Phillips

I am a firm believer that humor is a positive way to make salient points. I also think it’s a terrific way to gain a better perspective under duress. As a way of making you laugh, yet also helping you take heed of what could be regrettable—saying things you wished you hadn’t or doing things you might agonize over—I put together suggestions I hope will be interesting and fun, yet also meaningful. Given that I am a huge David Letterman fan and truly enjoy many of his "Top Ten" lists, I thought it would be fitting to offer up what I gathered from my research in a much more entertaining way. With that in mind, I have compiled my own Top Ten lists. Review these—then try out your own. You’ll be able to clearly identify what you can and cannot tolerate in a marriage, what you would like to change about yourself, and the qualities that you may be seeking in a new mate.

I will start with the Top Ten things you should never say to the judge.

10.   So she gets the gold and I get the shaft?
  9.   I don’t think you would have ruled that way if I’d been a guy (gal).
  8.   I’m really not comfortable raising my right hand and repeating after anyone.
  7.   I’m not hiding my income, so help me God.
  6.   Why are you picking on me?
  5.   No court’s going to tell me what to do!
  4.   You’ll have to wait a minute, my cell phone’s ringing.
  3.   I don’t have time for this.
  2.   You’re the one who should have a psych eval.
  1.   With all due respect, Your Honor, have you ever been through a divorce?

The remarks to the judge may sound funny to you, but they are all too true and have been said in court during a real hearing. If you find yourself losing your temper, bite your tongue, or shove your attorney’s coat sleeve in your mouth for a timeout, but never, ever say any of the above to the judge! In fact, remain silent in court unless you are directed to speak. Let your attorney do your bidding.

Here we go now for a Top Ten list of things you should never say about your ex in front of the children.

10.   I wish your mother (father) would drop dead.
  9.   I never loved your father (mother) anyway.
  8.   One of these days, so help me, I’m going to kill her (him).
  7.   I’m sorry I did such a horrible job picking your father (mother).
  6.   So where’d he (she) get the bimbo (bozo)?
  5.   Thank God you don’t look like her (him).
  4.   He (she) was really bad in bed.
  3.   Oh, he (she) never loved you kids anyway.
  2.   She (he) is fat and ugly and really stupid.
  1.   He (she) does not pay me nearly enough child support.

I know of situations where parents have actually said these things, and worse yet about their exes to their children. That is such a pity because children from broken marriages often feel responsible not only for the divorce, but the wars their parents engage in as well. Be extremely careful how you coin your phrases and what you say in haste and/or anger about your ex.

Next, I have my Top Ten picks of things you should never do to jeopardize your case.

10.   Never refer to your holdings as your hidden assets.
  9.   Never show up late (or early) for a court appearance with a hangover.
  8.   Never telephone your ex’s attorney and tell him/her off.
  7.   Never bribe the kids into testifying against your ex.
  6.   Never throw a fit in court.
  5.   Never act in a threatening or inappropriate manner in front of your
        ex’s attorney.
  4.   Never toss out a pickup line to the Judge.
  3.   Never have a wild party on your custodial weekends.
  2.   Never lose or destroy your important paperwork.
  1.   Never say, "I’ll never get through this."

My next list pokes some fun at my choice of the Top Ten ways you can potentially alienate your attorney. Though some may seem far-fetched, they can and have happened.

Do not:

10.   Make a pass at your attorney.
  9.   Show up late for meetings and court appearances.
  8.   Threaten to sue if your attorney botches your case.
  7.   Tell your attorney you think opposing counsel is doing a better job.
  6.   Put your attorney on hold while you take another call.
  5.   Have your retainer or payment checks bounce.
  4.   Nitpick your attorney’s bill.
  3.   Make negative comments about your attorney’s offices (décor,
        distance, size…)
  2.   Order your attorney around.
  1.   Lie to your attorney

Next – though I know there are hundreds of things people should never say to their exs, I have taken some of them—the ones I consider to be the most classic or popular—to comprise my Top Ten list in this category. They are:

10.   I was never in love with you.
  9.   You look like hell.
  8.   The kids can’t stand you.
  7.   Everyone I know is so glad we’re getting a divorce.
  6.   Good luck finding someone who would want you.
  5.   I only married you for your ________________(money,
        fame, body, prestige…)
  4.   I was cheating on you all along.
  3.   You were never good in bed.
  2.   I can’t believe I ever married you.
  1.   You’re not their father. (Toward women: Their stepmother is
        their real mom.)

Again, I am certain some of these have caused you to grin, laugh out loud, or maybe even cringe. But negative barbs at your ex only chip away at your dignity. So, even if your ex is resorting to negative comments, do not stoop to his/her level.

I am providing you with two more Top Ten lists. These include the Top Ten best places to meet a new mate and the Top Ten worst places to hook up with one. Once again, I present these to you tongue-in-cheek!

I will begin with the Top Ten best places to find a new mate:

10.   At your best friend’s wedding (it doesn’t matter how many he/she has had).
  9.   At the headquarters of your favorite political candidate.
  8.   At your local home improvement or hardware store (women can never find
        what they need so the men cruising the aisles are easy recruits for
        assistance - men hardly shop anywhere else).
  7.   At the studio of your personal trainer.
  6.   At someone else’s office, not yours.
  5.   On a ski lift.
  4.   Through a reputable dating service that finds you the perfect match.
  3.   At a self-help seminar for divorcees.
  2.   At your place of worship.
  1.   At a Sting concert (people of all ages attend them).

Choose wisely those places to meet a new mate! Now divorced, the last thing you want to do is find yourself getting together with someone who might be another divorce candidate or worse yet, someone who could physically hurt you.

Here is a rundown of the worst places to meet a mate:

10.   A laundromat. (If a person does not have his/her own washer
        and dryer by now, that could very telling).
  9.   A bar for singles. (You get my drift).
  8.   Your attorney’s office lobby. (That other divorcee you are suddenly
        attracted to needs time to "unpack" his/her baggage).
  7.   Around the water cooler at work.
  6.   In a parking garage.
  5.   An Anger Management class.
  4.   Alcoholics Anonymous.
  3.   A fast food restaurant.
  2.   In the car next to you.
  1.   Jail.

I genuinely hope some of the above provide a few chuckles, but also instill in you some good common sense. Do not make foolish or impulsive choices just because you want some companionship or because you are on the hunt for a new partner.

I have had some fun with my Top Ten lists, so now it is time for you to do the same, if you are up for it. Your first list "assignment" is to jot down your Top Ten reasons for leaving the marriage (if you were the one who called the relationship off). If, on the other hand, you were the one left hanging, so to speak, you can still take a moment to identify the Top Ten things you think caused the demise of your relationship.

10. ________________________________________________

9. _________________________________________________

8. _________________________________________________

7. _________________________________________________

6. _________________________________________________

5. _________________________________________________

4. _________________________________________________

3. _________________________________________________

2. _________________________________________________

1. _________________________________________________

Next on my list of lists, are the Top Ten things you will not put up with again in future mate.

Okay, list your Top Ten:

10._________________________________________________

9. _________________________________________________

8. _________________________________________________

7. _________________________________________________

6. _________________________________________________

5. _________________________________________________

4. _________________________________________________

3. _________________________________________________

2. _________________________________________________

1. _________________________________________________

Writing down the Top Ten things you would change before entering into another relationship is a very good idea, and that is your next assignment. If you do not have a full ten to make up your list of things you would like to change about yourself, include instead at least the things you would like to improve upon. Take your time with this one:

10. ________________________________________________

9. _________________________________________________

8. _________________________________________________

7. _________________________________________________

6. _________________________________________________

5. _________________________________________________

4. _________________________________________________

3. _________________________________________________

2. _________________________________________________

1. _________________________________________________

I am now asking that you make a list of your Top Ten Reasons for staying together. I thought it might be therapeutic to make one list that is serious and the other that reflects your sense of humor.

Serious Top Ten Reasons to Give it One More Chance

10. ________________________________________________

9. _________________________________________________

8. _________________________________________________

7. _________________________________________________

6. _________________________________________________

5. _________________________________________________

4. _________________________________________________

3. _________________________________________________

2. _________________________________________________

1. _________________________________________________

Humorous Top Ten Reasons to Give it One More Chance

10. ________________________________________________

9. _________________________________________________

8. _________________________________________________

7. _________________________________________________

6. _________________________________________________

5. _________________________________________________

4. _________________________________________________

3. _________________________________________________

2. _________________________________________________

1. _________________________________________________

My goal in this article has been to provide some wisdom, enlightenment, inspiration and, above all, a reminder to keep your sense of humor intact. Take the liberty of posting your Top Ten lists where you will view them frequently. Often it is a reminder or two of important messages or a bit of humor that can get any of us through a difficult day. Divorce certainly has its share of them!

Tuesday, May 15
at 8 pm to 8:30 EST
Out With the Tragedy: Turning Divorce into a meaningful experience
with Allison Pescosolido and Andra Brosh, founders of Divorce Detox
Learn More

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