Happier Holidays!
Being "home for the holidays" is going to be different this year, but with planning, creativity, and courage you can cope with -- and even enjoy -- the holiday season.
By Jane Nahirny

If you're going through a divorce or separation, you probably haven't even thought about the upcoming holiday season. But experts stress that it's important for people who are in transition to develop coping strategies well in advance of the major calendar events. Family-centred holidays -- like Thanksgiving, Passover, Hanukkah, and Christmas -- can heighten and intensify feelings of sadness, inadequacy, and loss. For newly separated and divorced people, the holiday season can really emphasize how much the family unit has changed.

"People are creatures of habit," says Joan Massaquoi, a Chicago-area therapist and mediator. "It's a real sign of departure to be split from the family and alone at this time of year."

Linda Kroll, executive director of The Lilac Tree, a Chicago-area support organization for divorced women, agrees. "During the holidays, newly separated and divorced people are forced for the first time to deal with the reality of their loss," she says. "The denial is stripped away and they come face to face with what they've lost."

If you've spent every significant holiday with your children, being apart from them for the first time can be devastating. Ted (some names have been changed to respect the confidentiality of those concerned), an architect from Northbrook, remembers his first Thanksgiving away from the kids. "I went to see a movie alone and all I could think of was my kids around the table without me," he says. "It was pretty well the lowest point in my life."

Adjusting to the holidays as a single person without children can be just as stressful. After her divorce, Anne spent the first few Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with her parents at their home in upstate New York. The 37-year-old legal secretary felt like she had regressed into a second childhood. "I love my parents," says Anne, "but the whole me, Mom, and Dad thing was just too much." Roberta, a separated public relations consultant from San Diego, tried to escape her loneliness and depression with shopping trips to local department stores. "I couldn't believe my credit-card bill in January," she says. "But the worst part was that I kept seeing happy families everywhere. I couldn't help but wonder, 'why can't that be me?' "

Even if your life isn't exactly where you'd like it to be right now, the good news is that we all have choices about how and where we spend our holidays. "Surviving the holidays is a metaphor for dealing with life," says Linda Kroll. Look at it as an opportunity: by being proactive and exercising these choices, you can create new and meaningful traditions for you and your family. Here are some strategies and tips for enjoying -- rather than avoiding -- the upcoming holiday season.

Take a positive approach

Dr. Wayne Dyer is the author of No More Holiday Blues, an inspirational little book that offers positive suggestions in a quick-read format. He maintains that as adults, "we've come to believe that the holiday season is really only for children ... thus only children can enjoy the holidays; adults must suffer through them." To illustrate his point, Dyer has included a chart that compares child-like attitudes ("I can't believe it's over already, it seems like it just started") to "neurotic" adult attitudes ("Thank God it's over. If it lasted one more day I'd have a nervous breakdown"). Sound familiar? This year, try to recapture some of the joy you experienced as a child during the holidays.

Start planning now

Don't wait until December 20 to decide who gets the kids or to blow the dust off your address book. If you have children, it's important to get some sort of communication happening with your former spouse well in advance of the holiday. "Try to avoid using the kids as a dumping ground," stresses Rick Tivers, co-director of The Divorce Recovery Center. "Instead, give them a sense of control," he says. "Get them involved in the decision-making process." And be fair in deciding where the children will spend their time. "Holidays are hard on kids whose parents have split up," says Al Frankel, a psychotherapist and divorce mediator in Mt. Kisco, NY. "All they want is to have a fun Christmas or Hanukkah, so plan as equitably as possible and remember, when dividing time with your kids, that generosity breeds generosity."

There are many non-confrontational strategies you can use to navigate custody issues for the holidays. Joan Massaquoi advises her clients to avoid stress by planning as far ahead as they can. "Anticipate the whole calendar year in large blocks of time," says Massaquoi. But don't be ruled by the calendar: there's no reason why Christmas Day must be celebrated on December 25.

Once you've set the holiday schedule, try to accept that it will be very difficult at first not to have your children on a particular day. Plan ways to avoid falling into a self-defeating mind-set. "If your spouse has the kids on a particular day, you can either look as it as a lonely time, or as an opportunity for personal choices that you may not normally have," says Linda Kroll. Have lunch with an old friend, book a day at the spa, or lounge in a bubblebath with a glass of wine -- whatever makes you feel happy and/or pampered.

If your former spouse lives in another state, plan in advance to stay in touch with your children. Get technology on your side, and send them an e-mail or fax, leave them a voice-mail message, or prepare a special holiday video for them to take with them.

If you don't have children, or if your spouse has them for this holiday, gather up your courage and reach out to your friends and family. Let them know that you're going to be on your own. You can't always count on them to approach you first. People can be intimidated by divorce. They may not know how to deal with your situation, or they may be afraid to take sides. You'll be surprised how receptive they'll be once you break the ice.

Change your expectations

Give yourself permission to enjoy this holiday any way that you choose, advises Dr. Dyer. "Refuse to allow yourself to be lonely, even if you happen to be alone for the holidays. Loneliness is an attitude that can be changed, and aloneness is nothing more than a temporary absence of other people. If you allow yourself to indulge in self-pity or fantasies of how your holidays ought to (or used to) be and then permit yourself to become depressed, you'll be defeating yourself and bringing on the holiday letdown." If you think you're going to be alone over the holidays, seize the opportunity to do something you've always wanted to do.

"Do the things that single people are privileged to do," advises Joan Massaquoi. "Integrate the holidays with a special vacation. Or pamper yourself by going to a spa." Whatever you do, it's your decision -- and yours alone.

Create new traditions

The holiday season is steeped in sentiment and tradition, which is why people who are in transition sometimes choose to ignore the holidays altogether. "I just couldn't face unpacking the ornaments from our first Christmas together, from our fifth anniversary, or from our trip to Germany," says Roberta. "I may never be able to bring them out again." Fortunately, there's no rule that says you have to keep any of the trappings or traditions from the past. Decide what works for you and what doesn't -- and edit accordingly.

"It's a cross-roads time," says Linda Kroll. "You can either get stuck in the grief or make new traditions for yourself so you can start to begin again and get to the other side of divorce, the part of re-birth."

Inez, a divorced mother of two from Glencoe, suggests that families of divorce be adventurous and design new rituals and traditions for their families. "Rituals define our humanity," she says. "They give us definition and a framework through which to know ourselves." Inez turned to her Celtic heritage and developed an elaborate holiday ritual centered around the "clouty dumpling," a traditional Scottish cake that she used to make with her ex-husband's great-grandmother. "Jean and I used to get together and make this dumpling in November," remembers Inez. "We'd sit up until two in the morning and she would tell me stories of Scotland." Your cultural background is a good place to start when creating new traditions. "Nothing fascinates kids more than stories of your background," says Inez. "Through your heritage, children experience a sense of continuity, a sense of who they are as human beings."

There are many opportunities for newly-single people without children, or parents without custodial access, to create their own traditions. Just remember that it's important to know your limits. If you can't bring yourself to join a dinner party where you know the other guests will be couples, invite your friends and family to celebrate with you at your home. You can also create a new "constellation" of family or friends for the holidays, says Joan Massaquoi. Judy, a mother of three from Chicago, created a "friend family" by making Christmas dinner at her house for five of her closest friends.

It's also important to give your family time to adjust to the changes in your life, and to try to make compromises. Anne solved the "me, Mom, and Dad" problem by hosting Christmas for her entire family in her tiny SoHo apartment. "I made the point -- gently -- that just because I'm single doesn't mean that we can't have Christmas where I am," she says. This year, Anne will spend the holidays with her family at her brother's home on Long Island.

Some people get into the Christmas spirit by making special meals. If you don't have a lot of experience with cooking, take a course at your local community college or ask a friend to help you plan the menu. You might also consider breaking tradition with the past by eating in restaurants on important holidays. "The celebrations feel very different when you aren't at home," says Deborah Mecklinger, a Toronto-based divorce mediator and counselor. "When you celebrate at a favorite restaurant, it doesn't trigger all the old nostalgia issues."

If you belong to a support group, get to know one another socially. If you find yourself in a situation where you're going to be alone over the holidays, you can get together with people who understand what you're going through, even if it's just for a walk or a cup of coffee.

"Be honest about the fact that you are depressed and give yourself time to grieve," says Linda Kroll. "Listen to your own voice -- if it says get into bed with some chocolate and magazines and a movie you really want to see, then do it. Know that you're not going to stay there, that it does get better."

Make gift-giving more pleasurable

Gifts are an integral part of the holiday season. Unfortunately, the gift-giving experience is too often accompanied by high prices, commercialism, and heavy crowds -- factors that can cause great stress for separated or divorced people. Dr. Dyer suggests that people try giving "non-shopping" gifts. For instance, you might consider giving a family heirloom as a gift this year. "Write a pleasant note with something that you want your children to have that has been in the family for several generations. Explain the significance of the item (even if you are starting a tradition of your own) and you can be sure that they will treasure it longer than the expensive toy or radio."

A gift of a personal belonging can have great significance, too. Bob, an artist who lives in New York City, gave his daughter his leather backpack, a worn and cherished possession that she had admired for many years; she was thrilled with the gift. You might also consider supporting your favorite charities and arts organizations, or ordering gifts from mail-order or museum catalogues. Visit local merchants, buy gift certificates from a favorite restaurant or from a greenhouse, rent an indoor skating rink for an afternoon, give concert or theater tickets -- the options are limitless, so just use your imagination!

One of the best non-monetary gifts you can give your children is the gift of good will towards your former spouse. Agree to a ceasefire, at least during the holidays. "That's what your children really need," says Danny Guspie, a paralegal counselor and the director of Toronto Fathers' Resources. "And if you can manage to get together for even an hour over Christmas to go for a walk or to go tobogganing, your kids will likely remember that over anything else."

If you must venture into the shopping mall this holiday season, try to slow yourself down when shopping for gifts. "Make the experience of shopping and being out in the world something that you enjoy for itself, rather than a necessary barrier that you must overcome on your way to having a nice holiday," says Dr. Dyer. "Keep in mind how much you loved doing your holiday shopping as a child. "

Relieve stress with diet and exercise

In her book, Anxiety and Stress, Susan Clark, M.D., suggests that individuals who are under major life stress gradually eliminate, or at least limit, foods that intensify anxiety symptoms. These foods include caffeine, sugar, alcohol, food additives, dairy products, red meat and poultry, and wheat and gluten-containing grains. Foods that are believed to have a calming effect include vegetables, fruits, starches, legumes, whole grains, seeds and nuts, and fish. Be realistic about your diet during the holiday season. Face the fact that you're going to have that eggnog, but try to exercise regularly; it really helps with your emotional state. And if you have children, be careful not to over-compensate with food. "It's not unusual for addictive behavior to begin during such periods of stress," warns Rick Tivers.

Be proactive

If you don't have family or friends around this holiday season, you might want to consider helping out with the festivities at your church, synagogue, or community organization. Reaching out to a neighbour, a shut-in, or someone less fortunate than yourself this holiday season will take courage, but it can give you back your sense of place in the world.

"The important thing for you to keep in mind," says Dr. Dyer, "is that there is nothing inherently depressing about the holidays. If you anticipate that things will be depressing, you will rarely disappoint yourself. You must look within yourself and resolve to have a positive attitude, regardless of the tasks that lie ahead of you, or the fullness of your holiday schedule." This year, look beyond the ghost of Christmas Past. Live in the present and plan for the future, and you're sure to discover the true meaning of the holiday season.

For more articles on divorce recovery, visit http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Divorce_Recovery/