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November 15, 2011: What to Do When Your Kids Don’t Like Your New Partner
By April Lopez
How your fiancée/fiancé will fit into your family - this is the biggest test in remarrying.
So what to do when your children are unwilling to accept your new love?
Emily Ryan Smith, a social worker in Mobile, Alabama, said it is not always a matter of if the child likes or dislikes the new partner. It is often the feelings that come along with this change that the children respond to.
Smith said children will have different emotional responses to family change based on the child's age, developmental stage and the presence of other life changes. Due to the uncertainty of the future, children are often anxious.
61 percent of divorced couples have children, according to the Center for Law and Social Policy. This means almost one-third of divorcees who remarry face the possible conflict.
Dr. Marcia Polansky, a psychotherapist and professor at Drexel University in Philadelphia, said the main problem that happens with teenagers is that divorce is good for the parents, but actually, children, even if the parents aren't getting along, even if they're quite unhappy together. Children like having both parents in the house.
61 percent of divorced couples have children, according to the Center for Law and Social Policy. This means almost one-third of divorcees who remarry face the possible conflict.
Parents who remarry must help maintain the bond between their children and ex-spouse, Polansky recommends.
She said although it improves the quality of the parents' life, children need access to both parents, especially if you're a teenager, where the best place to run into your parents is in your house.
Parents need to remember that it is more difficult for children to adjust to a new partner than they might expect, Smith said. If there is unresolved grief due to the parent's divorce, the adjustment period will be more trying.
She said feelings may be expressed in different ways. Young children may regress to a stage in their life when they felt safe, like sucking their thumb, use of baby talk, or becoming very clingy to the parent. And as a way of expressing feelings of anger of fear, others may act out aggressively. Some kids internalize their feelings and exhibit depressive symptoms.
Smith added teenagers may become more cynical toward the parent and step-parent. Children may be less willing to talk about it than before when this happens.
Smith explained anxiety regarding the invasion of private space is common.
Divorce comes at the worst time when children are in their teens, because those are the years when they start developing relationships, Polansky said.
They are at the point in their lives when they are starting to form their romantic view that is why they are very distressed. They see that their parents' relationship didn't work so they also wonder if their relationships are going to work out.
So are going to create a satisfying relationship or are they going to be like their parents?
According to Polansky, teenagers are still embarrassed although divorce is more common in society. As they lose hope that their parents will reunite, children may experience sadness. Jealousy of time and attention given to the new partner or step-sibling is common. Kids will experience loyalty conflicts. As a result of the change, anger may be experienced.
Smith said if the parent's previous marriage involved much conflict or abuse, some children may have a smoother adjustment period. Maintaining open communication
Smith said if teenagers are involved in certain decision making processes, they tend to respond to remarriage more smoothly.
All children need structure no matter the age. As much as possible, try to maintain the existing routine. To ease the transition for the children, a healthy co-parenting relationship with your previous spouse is needed.
Smith added that providing a safe and loving environment is crucial to adjustment. You can tell by watching school performance or by looking for signs of substance abuse if the children aren't adapting over time.
Polansky said the effect of divorce on teenagers is having problems in school. They may turn to drugs or alcohol, or to friends. They are trying to focus on their own lives right now so anger is inevitable. Instead of having a home base as a teenager, they are entangled because they feel they have to take care of one or the other parent.
The good news is, there is a treatment.
Divorce doesn't have to interfere with a teenager succeeding in life, doing well at life and school, and having friends, growing and becoming independent. It frees you to really be a teenager if you get the counseling to deal with these feelings.
Most people take marriage seriously, and hold high hopes for their new relationships. However before totally engaging in the new relationship, the separated partners with children will have a big adjustment in terms of what responsibility each partner must recognize about their personal share in the marriage breakup.
Find local divorce information, click here: http://www.divorcemag.com/findprofessional.php.
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