By Josh D. Simon

As reported by Misty Harris of Postmedia News, here’s some advice for folks out there who, despite their best efforts, can’t seem to find their one true love: stop!

At least that’s one unromantic and sad way we can interpret a study appearing in the (possibly unromantic and sad) September issue of the journal Social Science Research.    

Here's why: Researchers studied 1,414 couples in Louisiana between 1998 and 2004, and discovered that love – yes, the thing that conquers all, is a many splendid thing, and of course, bites according to 80s big hair rockers – is not a solid thing to build a marriage on; at least, unless there’s some other stuff to shoulder the load.

"Love by itself is a pretty flimsy foundation for a marriage," stated W. Bradford Wilcox, the study’s co-author. "Marriage is about a long-term commitment, thick and thin, kids, money — all that stuff. But in our day and age, as people have developed more independence, there's been much more focus on just the emotional dimensions of married life."

Regrettably, the consequence of that “more focus on the emotional dimensions of marriage” is misery, conflict and, yes, divorce.

But, really, shouldn’t love truly conquer all? Isn't it the one thing that can make everything else work...somehow? Not when it makes us selfish and self-absorbed, says the study’s other co-author, Jeffrey Dew.  

"If the relationship isn't helping them personally, they're less committed to sustaining it," observed Dew. "The marriage isn't really grounded in anything but intense love."

However, folks in search of their soul mate need not despair, or skip Single's Night at the bowling alley -- because Wilcox and Dew have also discovered the formula for a (relatively) successful marriage: balance.

That is, a marriage that combines both “old” and “new” approaches to marriage: one that has elements of tradition, but still allows both spouses to enjoy some of the festive “expressive dimensions” that characterize more modern unions (you know, the ones where they hold hands through the whole movie...who does that anymore?).

The researchers also noted the value of social networks and other forms of support, including religious institutions, as pieces that complete a solid marriage jigsaw puzzle.

"You can't underestimate the importance of social support," advised Wilcox. "Even for people who aren't religious, it's important to be involved in voluntary organizations, community groups or networks that both spouses enjoy, that acknowledge them as a couple and that support their marriage."

Try and put that in a sonnet, Shakespeare.

Tuesday, May 15
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Out With the Tragedy: Turning Divorce into a meaningful experience
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