"The entire legal profession... has become so mesmerized with the stimulation of the courtroom contest, that we tend to forget that we ought to be healers of conflict... Trial by adversarial contest must in time go the way of the ancient trial by battle and blood...Our system has become too costly, too painful, too destructive, too inefficient for truly civilized people."
--Chief Justice Warren Burger, 1984

Divorce is not an event. Divorce is a process. It is the process by which one makes the transition from being part of a couple to being single. It is a journey during the course of which one unit of two divides into two units of one. The goal of a healthy divorce should be to begin as two, end as one, and still feel whole.

This journey will lead the parties through an often treacherous and painful maze of transitions: legal, physical, emotional, financial, and spiritual. If this maze is to be successfully navigated, then in addition to attorneys, parties should enlist the services of experts in these other specific transition areas. This will more likely assure that dissolution can become a key to wholeness, so that something new and extraordinary occurs.

If we are to successfully navigate this treacherous and painful path, we must enlist the services of those who have expertise in specific areas of the divorce process, to guide us along the way, so that at the end of our journey, we remain whole. When we do this, we are doing something new and extraordinary called Collaborative Divorce.

More information on conflict resolution: A Fair Negotiation The Power of Listening Family-Centered Divorce How to Divorce as Friends He Said... She Said

The advantages of Collaborative Divorce are many. Sessions are held in private, keeping many details out of the public record. The clients, with their lawyers assisting, are in charge and make their own agreements, rather than giving power and control to the court. Such flexibility allows for more creativity with which to fashion settlement terms. Without the need to wait on lengthy periods for hearing or trial dates, the divorce can proceed in a timely fashion, saving huge amounts on attorney fees.

Just as with the death of one partner, as a result of divorce, the family will naturally restructure itself. Yet for this restructuring process to be optimally healthy, professional help is often needed. Lawyers too often are called upon to attempt to solve the client's emotional and financial issues, yet we, however well intentioned, have not been trained to do so. Such issues ought to be addressed by specialists in each field -- psychotherapists and CPAs. Imagine a divorce in which families employ therapists and experts as part of a team to help them fix the problems rather than fixing the blame. Collaborative Divorce is a movement among many of the helping professions such as lawyers, psychologists, CPAs, and Financial Planners, as well as real-estate brokers, loan brokers, and others who share the belief that a family is forever.

As a California Certified Family Law Specialist, I customarily recommend that each divorcing party be supported by an individual therapist. I have come to the conclusion that the couple greatly benefits by seeing a Divorce Coach as well. The Divorce Coach, usually a psychotherapist, teaches communication skills, educates and assists the couple with consistent co-parenting, and normalizes closure issues. Often great strides are made in these areas, and the family unit, though changed, emerges strengthened as a whole.

Through good planning and collaborative allocation of resources, CPAs and Financial Planners may successfully assist the family to conserve its assets to the advantage of both parties and the children.

One might question the expense of involving so many experts in an individual case, yet we have seen in case after case that a Collaborative Divorce saves not only money, it also saves each party the great emotional cost of a litigated divorce -- less time, less expense, less trauma, less damage to children. Clearly a case where less is more.

If a couple facing divorce values emotional health and relationships, desires the best for their children, and wishes to conserve family finances, the Collaborative Divorce process is the ideal choice.

In his autobiography, The Story of My Experiments With the Truth, Mahatma Gandhi wrote, describing how he had helped parties during his years as a practicing attorney: "My joy was boundless. I had learnt the true practice of law. I had learnt to find out the better side of human nature...I realized the true function of a lawyer was to unite parties driven asunder. The lesson was so indelibly burnt into me that a large part of my time during the 20 years of my practice as a lawyer was occupied in bringing about private compromises of hundreds of cases. I lost nothing thereby -- not even money, certainly not my soul."

Tuesday, May 15
at 8 pm to 8:30 EST
Out With the Tragedy: Turning Divorce into a meaningful experience
with Allison Pescosolido and Andra Brosh, founders of Divorce Detox
Learn More

Listen to podcasts of previous TeleSeminars.