Help your kids adjust to the divorce by carefully planning this important discussion.

by John Ventura and Mary Reed

Putting your children first when you’re getting a divorce can seem like a tall order, especially if the breakup of your marriage is full of conflict. But remember, you’re the parent. You have a responsibility to your children to tell them about your divorce in as caring and as sensitive a manner as possible. You also have an obligation to provide them with all the love, attention, and support that they need throughout your divorce so that you can minimize any emotional trauma that they may experience. If you don’t, research shows that they may struggle as adults to lead happy, well-adjusted lives. Here are some suggestions that will help prepare all of you for this difficult discussion.

The best way to handle the situation is for you and your spouse to break the news about your divorce together to your children, even if you have to put your animosity toward each other aside for a while. By explaining your divorce together, you convey to your kids that, although your marriage may be ending, you can cooperate as their parents, that they still have a family — just a different kind of family — and that you both will remain actively involved in their lives. Such behavior is very calming and reassuring to them.

Before you tell your children about your divorce plans, taking the time to decide what you’re going to say to them is a good idea. Get your story straight so that you don’t contradict one another or send them conflicting messages. If you and your spouse need help deciding what to say to your children, talk things over with your religious advisor or schedule an appointment with a mental-health professional. If you and your spouse don’t plan on breaking the news about your divorce to your kids together, try to agree about which of you will tell them.

Most of us tend to put off doing things that are unpleasant or that we’re nervous about doing. However, make sure that you tell them before anyone else does. They need to hear the news from you in your own words. And, in the same breath, you need to reassure them that you will always love them and take care of them.

The right time to talk with your children about the changes to come depends on their ages and on the circumstances of your divorce. For example, if your spouse announces that he or she has already filed for divorce and is moving out next week, you should tell your children about the split sooner, not later.

• It can help foster a "we’re all in this together" attitude among your children. That feeling can be a comfort and a source of strength to them.
• If all your children find out about your divorce at the same time, each of them knows exactly what his or her siblings know. This may not seem important to you but, if you tell each of your kids separately, they may worry that they don’t know what their siblings know or that you’re going to treat them differently than everyone else in the family.

More information on children and divorce: How Do I Tell the Kids? Your Children: Who's in Control? Parenting Pitfalls Reassuring Your Child Are Your Kids at Risk?

If your children have significant disparities in their ages, maturity levels, or emotional needs, talk to your children individually about your divorce so you can tailor an appropriate message for each child and provide him or her with as much support and comfort as he or she may need after hearing your news. If you meet with your children separately, tell each child that you’re having a similar conversation with his or her siblings. Unless your children are very young, they’re probably going to talk with one another about what you’ve told them.

Telling your children about your divorce is apt to trigger a new flood of emotions inside of you, even if you thought that you had them under control. Be prepared to do whatever you need to do to deal with your own emotions because if you’re an emotional basket case, you’re not much help to your children and are likely to make them even more scared and worried than they already are.

After you tell your children about your divorce plans, give them an opportunity to ask questions. For example, depending on their ages, they may want to know

• Where will they live?
• Will they still go to the same school?
• Will you and your spouse still live in the same town?
• Will they spend time with each of you?
• Will you continue to coach their soccer or little-league team?
• Can they continue their music or dance lessons?
• How will you share parenting responsibilities?
• Can they still go to camp next summer?
• Will there be enough money?
• Where will their dog or cat live?

Answer your children’s questions clearly, calmly, and honestly. If they ask you something that you can’t answer, admit that you don’t know or that it’s too soon to tell. When appropriate, tell them that you will give them an answer by a certain date or as soon as you can. If your children don’t ask direct questions, you may be able to intuit their thoughts through their behavior and actions or by reading between the lines when they talk to you.

Your younger children may have a hard time grasping the concept of divorce and realizing that you and your spouse will always continue to love them and care for them. They may ask you the same questions over and over, which can really tax your patience. Understand that right now they need constant reassurance.

And don’t be surprised if your children don’t ask you many questions at first. Learning that you’re getting a divorce may come as quite a shock to them, even if they’re aware that you and your spouse were having marital problems and even if they have plenty of friends with divorced parents. They may need to let the news sink in before they’re ready to ask you questions.

After your children find out about your divorce plans, they may begin to feel isolated and cut off from their friends. They may feel as though they’re the only children whose parents ever got divorced and may be embarrassed about what’s happening to them. On the other hand, if you and your spouse fought openly and often during your marriage or if violence or substance abuse colored your relationship, your divorce may be a relief to your children and it may represent a positive change in their lives.

If your children are having trouble coping with the news of your divorce, all you may need to turn their frowns into smiles is to cuddle them more and give them a little extra attention. But sometimes it’s not that simple. When your children need more than what you can give them, consider involving a school counselor, mental-health professional, social worker, relative, or another adult who’s especially close to your children. Participating in a support group may also be helpful to your older children.

Tell your children’s teachers, babysitters, other caregivers, the parents of their close friends, and any other adults who they see regularly about your divorce plans. Your heads-up will help them stay attuned to any significant changes in the ways your children behave. Ask these adults to keep you informed of any changes.

Another option is to contact your state’s family law court, your divorce attorney, mental health professional, or a social worker who works with children and families to find out about any public or private resources (such as classes, workshops, and support groups) that may be available in your area to help your kids cope with your divorce. Some of these same resources may also offer counseling for divorcing parents.

During and after their parents’ divorce, children (especially the younger ones) often become fearful that terrible things will happen to them or believe that they’re responsible for the breakup of their parents’ marriage. Some of the most common fears and misconceptions kids have about divorce include:

• The parent I no longer live with will leave me forever.
• My parents’ divorce is my fault.
• If I am really good, my parents will get back together.
• I have to choose between my parents. I can’t have a relationship with both of them after they’re divorced.
• My mother’s or father’s new significant other will replace my real parent.
• My stepbrother or stepsister is going to replace me.

Understanding the thoughts that may be going through your children’s minds can keep you alert to any signs that your kids are having trouble coping with your divorce.

John Ventura is a bestselling author, attorney, and a national authority on consumer financial and legal problems. Mary Reed is the founder of Mary Reed Public Relations. This answer has been excerpted from their book Divorce for Dummies (Second Edition, Wiley Publishing, @ 2005). This material is used by permission of John Wiley & Sons, Inc. The book is available at Amazon.com or www.wiley.com.