"My husband had an affair, and now he's left me. Now we have to sell the house, which will force my daughter to change schools. Once the For Sale sign goes up, I think my eight-year-old daughter should know the truth about why we have to move. What do you think?"

For children to move on successfully with their childhood after a parental separation, they must be left out of the parental conflict. When deciding how best to address any issue with your child, you must keep this goal in mind.

If you tell your daughter that she has to move and change schools because of her father's behavior, your message to her is that the changes she must endure are all her father's fault. The more covert point you will be giving her is that you want her to be angry with her father. Your daughter will then have to cope both with feeling torn between her parents and coping with the latest adjustments in her life. She will find it easier if she only has to contend with a new home and school.

So how can you best help your daughter make a successful adjustment to a new home, a new school, and a new kind of family? Before the "For Sale" sign appears, it would help to have a conversation with your daughter to explain the upcoming changes. Alternate the bad news ("there will be a lot of new things to get used to") with the good ("You'll still see both dad and me frequently").

You should both let her know that you understand how she feels about these changes ("This must be scary/hard") as well as give her confidence that you know that she'll be able to manage these changes ("And I know you'll be O.K. I'll be here for you each step of the way").

It appears that you are understandably still hurt and angry about your husband's new relationship. It might benefit you to seek some support for yourself, either with an individual counsellor or within a group, to ensure that your personal issues with your ex don’t spill over to your daughter.

Janice Shaw, is a counselor and the coordinator of the separation and divorce programs at Jewish Family and Child Services in Toronto. She can be reached at (905) 882-2331.

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