"My husband had an affair, and now he's left me. Now we have to sell the house, which will force my daughter to change schools. Once the For Sale sign goes up, I think my eight-year-old daughter should know the truth about why we have to move. What do you think?"

For children to move on successfully with their childhood after a parental separation, they must be left out of the parental conflict. When deciding how best to address any issue with your child, you must keep this goal in mind.

If you tell your daughter that she has to move and change schools because of her father's behavior, your message to her is that the changes she must endure are all her father's fault. The more covert point you will be giving her is that you want her to be angry with her father. Your daughter will then have to cope both with feeling torn between her parents and coping with the latest adjustments in her life. She will find it easier if she only has to contend with a new home and school.

Elinor Gertner, MSW, RSW, is a counselor and the coordinator of the separation and divorce programs at Jewish Family and Child Services in Toronto. She has spoken about "Picking up the Pieces," a unique group-therapy program for kids and their parents, at several conferences, including the American Orthopsychiatric Association and the Canadian Group Psychotherapy Association. She can be reached at (905) 882-2331. View the Divorce Magazine profile for The Changing Family.