Note that answers given in this section cannot take the place of independent legal or financial advise. Please read our disclaimer.

"How can we negotiate our divorce rather than battle it out?"

The best way to negotiate is to talk to your spouse. Don’t make your case the war of the Roses. Try to communicate with each other – especially if you have kids. If you can’t talk face-to-face with your spouse without getting into an arousement, then talk on the phone. If that doesn’t work, text message each other. Use email. Do whatever you need to do to communicate in any way you can.

If any kind of meaningful communication between you and your spouse is impossible, see if your spouse will go with you to a mediator. A mediator is an independent third party who is trained in conflict resolution. A mediator may be able to help you and your spouse negotiate an agreement in your divorce and perhaps even re-open the lines of communication between you. If that doesn’t work, ask your attorney to schedule a four-way settlement conference between you, your spouse, and both attorneys.

If you and your spouse can’t even be in the same room together without fighting, your options become more limited. Your lawyer can try to negotiate with your spouse’s lawyer directly. If that doesn’t work, your lawyer may be able to schedule a pretrial conference with the judge. At that conference the lawyers will present the case in summary fashion to the judge, who will then issue settlement recommendations. Often, the judge’s recommendations can help settle the case.

Karen A. Covy, J.D. is a divorce attorney and family-law mediator in Chicago, Illinois. She owns and operates Midwest Mediation as well as a successful family-law firm. She can be reached at (312) 236-1670. View her Divorce Magazine profile.

Tuesday, May 15
at 8 pm to 8:30 EST
Out With the Tragedy: Turning Divorce into a meaningful experience
with Allison Pescosolido and Andra Brosh, founders of Divorce Detox
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