"While we're working out our separation agreement, my husband has agreed to pay me $1,200 per month support for our three kids. Every month, it's like pulling teeth to get the money from him: he's either late, or bounces the check, or gives me half the amount saying he'll give me the rest later. I'm considering withholding visitation from him until he smartens up. Do you have any suggestions?"

It's certainly understandable that you would feel upset about your husband's irresponsible handling of his support payments. However -- and I can't say this too strongly -- don't use your children to punish your husband! Of course you're angry! Who wouldn't be?! But whatever problems there maybe between you, he's still their father. Assuming that he is not abusive or otherwise harmful to the kids, it's important that each child continue to have a relationship with him.

Remember, your children are going through a very difficult ordeal that involves a number of significant losses. The last thing that they need now is the threat of another loss -- namely the loss of their relationship with their father.

While it's important that you support your kids' relationship with their father, don't interpret this to mean that they should be the ones to communicate with him about the problems you're having with him. They shouldn't be drawn into the conflict between you and your husband about this. This means two things:

1. Don't use your kids as messengers to communicate with your spouse, and

2. Don't talk to your kids about how "selfish" or "irresponsible" their father is.

In addition to cutting them off from their father, withholding visitation could also put your children in the position of having to choose sides. Under these circumstances, children typically align with the parent they feel is most in need of protection and support. The need to protect a parent, or to choose sides in the parental conflict creates anxiety for children. This is because they now believe that they're needed to attend to the well-being of a weak parent, instead of trusting that they themselves will be taken care of.

Another thing to consider is that withholding visitation could have the effect of escalating the intensity of the conflict between you and your husband. It could lead to retaliation on his part, followed by further retaliation your part, and a rapid deterioration in your ability to communicate and work with each other. Remember, as much as you may dislike each other, you're going to have to find someway to work together as parents.

But what can you do to respond to the financial headaches your husband is causing through his irresponsible behavior? The obvious first step is to talk to him, reminding him of your agreement and asking why he's having difficulty honoring it. You're more likely to get through to him if you can avoid being confrontive or legalistic, and instead, try to appeal to his sense of fairness and desire for integrity. If this doesn't work, you may have no choice but to consult with your attorney. Whatever you do, it's important to avoid putting your children in the middle of what is really a conflict between you and your husband.

As you can see, there are no easy answers. But when you find yourself filled with anger, and are feeling tempted to hurt your husband because of how he has hurt you, I hope you can be guided by the following: love your children more than you hate your spouse.

M. Chet Mirman, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and the co-director of The Center For Divorce Recovery has offices in Northbrook and Chicago. He can be reached at (847) 412-0280. View the The Center For Divorce Recovery's Divorce Magazine profile..

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