Note that information given in this section cannot take the place of a divorce therapy professional. For advice about your specific situation, you must consult a qualified counselor. See our disclaimer.

"I have just separated from my spouse. When should I start dating again?"

Your question is excellent and one that all divorcees eventually have to contemplate. Dating after divorce is a complex and much-debated topic. After all, the psychological and emotional impacts dating can have on single people are often immense. In spite of the confusion surrounding the issue, here are a few things that you need to consider before getting your feet wet.

The moment to start dating again after a divorce is not something that you can answer by looking at a calendar and counting the days. There is no right answer to this question. Dating after divorce depends on the individual, not on any set time limits.

Let's face it, divorce is a fragmenting experience. Before people can start new lives, they need to be able to pick up all of the pieces of their old ones. As a separated or divorced person, you have moved from being invested in the "we" of your marriage to the "I" of being single and unattached. It would be unreasonable to expect an instant transition to a single lifestyle and attitude.

The breakup of a marriage, even when welcomed by both sides, is still the loss of a spouse -- someone deeply ingrained in the fabric of your life. A mourning period is necessary to process that loss. It is important to recognize that people grieve differently and at varying speeds. The pace of reentry into the dating realm is a highly personal decision and will be different for everyone. Remember, the pain of a divorce is something you can just put in a box and forget about overnight.

In a perfect world in which no temptations crossed your path until you were ready to deal with them, I would recommend that you resist getting involved in a serious relationship right away. Relationships take time and energy, and before you can start a new one, you need to spend some time becoming familiar with and developing confidence in your new identity as a single person. Beginning to date again as a way to avoid doing the work you need to in order to heal from the pain of your divorce will slow your recovery process dramatically. Give yourself time to get to know you before you start getting to know a new partner.

Dr. Deborah Hecker welcomes calls from both divorce lawyers and clients for assistance during the divorce and post-divorce processes.