Note that information given in this section cannot take the place of a divorce therapy professional. For advice about your specific situation, you must consult a qualified counselor. See our disclaimer.

"My spouse and I have just separated. When is it best for me to start dating?”

"My wife and I separated for three months, six years ago. When we got back together, she informed me that she was pregnant. Since our separation was only for a few months, I assumed I was the father. Now, six years later, my wife and I are divorcing and I’m having doubts about the paternity. How can I find out without hurting my daughter ‘Sara,’ who I love?”

This is a difficult situation. To start with, if you discover that you’re not Sara’s biological father, then that could unleash a torrent of emotions that could adversely affect your other family relationships. At the same time, if you try and avoid getting to the bottom of this, the doubt may eat away at you and harm your relationship with your daughter. For example, you may behave in a negative way towards her, towards her mother, or any other children in the family.

In light of all of this, I recommend that you get a paternity test to discover if you’re the biological father. At the same time, regardless of the result, I suggest you see a therapist or counselor to help you navigate the complex feelings and emotions that this process will unleash. One of your top priorities right now, believe it or not, is to address any ill feelings you have towards your wife – such as distrust, anger, betrayal, and so on. This may seem counter-intuitive, since you’re going through a divorce, but remember that you need to continue being an effective and loving part of Sara’s life, regardless of the outcome. And of course, the counseling you receive should help you deal with your own complex emotions.

Also, it sounds as though you’ve built a strong, loving and healthy relationship with your daughter, and that she views you as a key part of her life. Now, if you suddenly remove yourself from her life, she could perceive that as punishment or rejection. Not only would this harm her sense of self-worth, but it would be completely unfair – after all, she had no say in who her father was, and she’s not the cause for your current feelings of doubt and unease.

Overall, as you address this situation with maturity and honesty, I sincerely hope that you won’t react by avoiding your daughter or withholding your fatherly love from her – perhaps because you’re trying to get ‘back at your wife’ for her possible betrayal. Your key goal right now is to remain as close as ever with Sara and your other children, but without attacking their mother – because it will simply harm the children.

As you come to terms with this situation, remember that you have the power to continue being the stable father figure that your daughter has come to depend on – whether you’re the biological father or not.

By Josh D. Simon

Tuesday, February 14
at 8 pm to 8:30 EST
Preparing for Divorce Mediation - 5 Steps of Negotiation Power to get what you want
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